this isn’t everything you are.
December 8, 2011 at 8:41 pm
Mood: out of it
Music: Snow Patrol – This Isn’t Everything You Are
I’ve been meaning to blog for ages, but I’ve just had so much coursework and stuff going on that I couldn’t really find a spare minute until now.
Well, I had my blood tests and they came back fine, nothing wrong with me. Which meant it wasn’t anything biochemical which was making me feel that way, which was a relief and both a disappointment. I guess I wanted a quick fix out of all this, as selfish as it is to say that. I heard from the place they referred me to – CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service), and I had an assessment about the depression on Monday through them at their centre. We went through everything I was feeling, and Kirsteen (the person who was assessing me) said it is most likely Adjustment Disorder, which branching off it is depression, so at least we have a ‘source’ of where everything is coming from. Obviously the main factor of all of this is the break up, but I just want to get rid of feeling like crap constantly. My friends have said I’ve been seeming happier and looking healthier, despite the fact the skin around my eyes is like constantly red/purple:
It’s not the best of pictures which shows it, you can just about see it around the bottom of my right eye; I’ve no make up on in this. I’ve been booked another appointment at CAMHS next Friday to see a consultant and her about whether or not I need to go on medicine alongside the psychological therapy stuff, but she says the most he’ll say is the therapy will be enough for me. She said she thinks I’ll have about 4 sessions at CAMHS, one every fortnight, but it could be longer and hey, it could be shorter. I just really want to get better.
I’ve been motivating myself to get out the house more often too, the Friday after I had my blood tests I went out and got so drunk you wouldn’t believe. It was drum and bass/dubstep night at the place too so you could imagine how I was with my amazing dance skills! LOL. I was with all my friends, it was amazing. I was talking to a friend Laura who I haven’t seen in ages, and we’ve gotten very close. She’s been through the same thing as I’m going through with an ex, she went to CAMHS and everything, so she’s been such a help for when times have got hard. I think she’s coming out this Friday too, again we’re going to get very drunk and it’s drum and bass night again, ahaha. Unfortunately Ben is going to be there, but I won’t let it bother me. I found out a few weeks ago he has got with a girl, and shagged someone. When I found out I was at a party when he was there, so I couldn’t react too fucking badly, but broke down in tears like the day after. I’ve just been saying to myself ‘We’re never going to get back together’, so I finally get it into my head.
Jeez. I think Friday will be amazing though despite, and I’m determined to pull haha, or as my friends mum says, ‘Get a sympathy snog!’. Which I’m planing on doing, the first DnB night we went to Laura says Matt’s roommate (we went to his flat for pre drinking) liked me, so I could probably cosy up to him hahaha. [/slag]
I’ve had a lot of coursework going on at the moment. We need to be finishing the research section for Art by tomorrow and have all our ideas, testing pages, ‘mini-rough-final-thingys’, refinement from the mini-rough-final-thingys, and to actually get started on our final piece by the end of term, which is the 20th December, which is a lot of damn work. fuck my life. On top of that I have a project for photography which I need to finish, which also reminds me I need to do a shoot on the Friday evening (preferably before I’m beyond reason…). I’m back in my English lessons now, after a 4 week break from lessons. We’ve plunged straight into coursework for the course, which is a good thing because I can fully concentrate on that. So yeah, a shed load of coursework! And on top of that I have my English resit in January to revise for, and my driving theory test on the 28th to revise for too. BUSY BUSY BUSYyyy omg.
That’s about everything which has happened so far. Thanks for all you’re amazing lovely beautiful comments, they’re helping me so much, I love reading through them all. ♥ xxxx
you guys and your fancy closet technology
November 7, 2011 at 10:14 pm
Music: Profound Moments in Left 4 Dead Episode 22
This is going to be a really mixed up post.
So basically, Italy was absolutely amazing as you can probably tell from the pictures. Everything was so beautiful, even the back streets, which I’ve taken a picture of above. I’d take some pictures of my artwork I did over there but at the moment I’m currently working on getting an online portfolio up and running so you can see everything much easier then.
I’ve had a rough week. I’ve been kicked out of 70% of my English A-Level lessons because I fell out with a teacher big time… and I mean it. I couldn’t concentrate in the lesson (I’ll tell you why next) so she asked what was wrong. I, politely, told her I felt the work was being dragged out a bit and I felt it was becoming monotonous. She screamed at me, “HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MY LESSON!…” so I replied with “Alright, alright” mainly trying to get her to stop shouting at me. She carried on screaming at me, and said “NO ANNABELLE IT’S NOT ALRIGHT!” .. and at that point I snapped.
I turned around, shouted to her “WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT IT TO BE? I POLITELY SAID TO YOU WHAT WAS WRONG, I DIDN’T SAY ‘UGH YEAH THIS IS BORING’ I POLITELY GAVE YOU MY OPINION. SO WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO SAY?”.
She started crying, ran into the English office/cupboard and then everyone else in my lesson started having a go at me. I ran out, after one girl shouted after me not to go off in a huff and a puff. What the fuck should I have done? Stayed there and made it worse?! So yeah. I skipped the rest of the lesson, met up with my Sixth Form Leader and she thinks it’s best if I stay out of her lessons. Which contributes to 70% of them over a 2 week period, we have 30% of lessons with a seperate teacher.
I feel fucking awful.
What’s worse, I went to the doctor today about me possibly having depression. I talked it through with my counsellor, the school nurse, my SFL, and they all agreed it would be best to go see her. I basically broke down in the office crying, explained what’s happened during the last few months and she’s signed me up to get some blood tests done this Thursday and a follow up appointment on the 21st. I’m also being reffered to a 16 – 19 year old specialist place where they deal with that stuff almost every day, so they definately know what they’re doing. That’s why I couldn’t concentrate in lesson, the thought of me possibly having depression over everything which has happened was worrying me awfully. I feel so ashamed of myself for still being in this situation 3 months on (yes, 3. wow.) and Ben is the one who has moved on, and is getting on with the rest of his life perfectly well without me. I sometimes feel more like a burden sometimes than anything else.
Jesus. I need a hug, a cup of tea [2 sugars, plz], and a chick flick movie marathon. Preferably where the guy dies horribly. Maybe change that to a horror movie marathon, hahahaaa.
On a positive note, I went to Becci’s 18th on Saturday. Danced, drank vodka(!), and had a good time. Ben wasn’t at this one, so I think it made it easier. Woke up with a killer stomach ache the morning after, which for those who have me on facebook, you probably saw I predicted at stupid o’clock in the morning when I finally got in .
I’m applying to Universities now, too. Fuck it’s scary. Can’t believe I’m going to be 18 in less than 4 months. shiitttttt son
Question: does anyone fancy the idea of becoming my pen friend? Just something to do over winter, or 2012.
heaven is a place on earth with you
October 13, 2011 at 7:04 pm
Music: Lana Del Rey – Video Games
1. My new purple hair and I’m wearing my new lace dress, which I really need to get a picture of sooooon. I love it so much, I feel so sexy in it. [/vain]
2 – 8. My art coursework I’ve been doing. This is more or less all of it, bar a few pages and about 3 seperate projects haha. I’ve been doing all this work to keep my mind off the break up. It works, although it only works for so long, then I get all tearful.
9. My work bench – including my huge new bag I bought for my last year at college and a filofax!
10. Photography exhibition from last night – I sold four images! Two of which weren’t by my parents. We’re starting a new photography project next week which I’m pretty excited for.
11. My portrait I’m painting in art – doesn’t look a thing like me hahaa.
12. and the best ’til last: My ‘new’ polaroid camera I have 4 packs of film for it (40 images in total) and a cute canvas bag for it.
Told you this blog was going to be very picture-ful, lol.
I’ve had an alright week. I missed my friend Adam’s 18th due to the photography exhibition, which in a way was a good thing because Ben was there. Lauren told me that she was talking to Ben and apparantly “he still cares about you, and it still hurts because you’re hurting”. She told him he was nothing special and that I could have anyone I want with the flick of an eyelid basically. ha. I guess he’s let the dust settle over the rumours. It still annoys me that he believed them anyway. I’m happy that he’s not ignoring me or something I suppose, but it keeps giving me hope that we’ll get back together (This is the heart talking. It does a lot of that. It also plans out schemes and plans years ahead at a time, like I’ll get back with Ben after uni etc..) which makes me upset. It’s difficult to explain. If I keep hoping we’ll get back together, I can’t move on – so say he gets another girlfriend, I won’t be happy for him, I’ll be more in the counting-the-paracetamols-in-the-medicine-cabinet kind of mood. I have a counselling session tomorrow, so I’ll see what she says tomorrow about the whole thing.
On Saturday I’m going to Falmouth to a University Open Day – Falmouth College of Art to be exact. It’s a good 6 hour drive away, so we’re setting off tomorrow night. I can’t wait!
edit: I got tagged by Jenn at Jennishly.me to do 25 things I love about me. I tag anyone who wants to do this!
1. How small I am.
2. I have purple hair.
3. How Arty I am.
4. The fact I’m the only one in my whole college who likes webdesign.
5. My green eyes.
6. I’m smart.
7. The fact I care way too much!
8. How organized I am.
9. How I can go through all this shit healthily.
10. My health (I feel really lucky – I live in the UK, so we have free healthcare, vaccinations, prescriptions, everything.)
11. My looks.
12. My grades in college.
13. The fact I’m sensible about money, my behaviour, etc.
14. How I waited 14 months to have sex.
15. How I’ve never been drunk enough to forget a night! Hahha!
16. My little ideas of brilliance I have every so often.
Well I only got to 16. At least I tried
Thanks for all the comments guys – I really appreciate them, they’ve cheered me up so much. *hugs* xxxxx
EDIT 22nd OCT: it’s currently 06:17am here and I’m going Italy soon see you!
you don’t deserve my tears
October 7, 2011 at 6:43 pm
Music: Beyoncé – Best Thing You Never Had
A lot can happen during a hiatus. For example: I got my AS results, I won a place into the Fine Art Italy course(!), I dyed my hair bright pinky-purple.
Oh, and me and Ben broke up.
Or more like he broke up with me. It’s basically been the main reason why I’ve been putting off re-opening this place for about 2 months. He broke up with me on the 16th August, our 21 month mark you could say. He said it felt more like a friendship, but I’ve more or less ‘found out’ that he fell out of love with me and had doubts since the end of July time. Oh and that he had the same doubts in April time, but they ‘went away’. We went on holiday together with my family like a week before he broke up with me as well, so when we came back I felt more in love with him than ever, and he decides to break up with me. Everytime we’ve talked (he said he wanted to remain being best friends) we just argued about how the relationship ended and how pathetic his excuse was ["We can't be together because we have nothing in common" - and THAT changed his feelings completely? fuck off. I asked him to name a few bands I like and he named Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance - two bands which I haven't listened to properly since I was like 13. I'm 17 now. dfkhdaflkgjhfdRAGING].
He’s now chatting up other girls looking for a shag. Which fucking bothers me and hurts me but I can’t really complain or anything, he’s not mine anymore and so I have no control over that. OH and someone has been spreading round shit that I’ve been saying he’s a paedophile and a druggie, so now he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I find it funny, I’m not the type of person to SAY that sort of stuff so if he thinks I have been saying that, he needs to rethink how much he knows me.
But I’m in counselling through college at the moment. I’ve had about 5 or 6 sessions so far, one hour a week. I just need to let go of it. Despite everything he’s done, how much he’s hurt me, betrayed me etc, some part of me can’t grasp the fact it’s over. I think that part of me is called my heart. But it’s just telling my heart that it’s over and that it’s time to let go. I haven’t felt genuinley happy since before he broke up with me. I went to get my exam results and couldn’t be arsed to whether I failed them or passed them. I was crying my eyes out for about 4 weeks straight. I have improved, although my sleeping hasn’t improved much. I just want to be rid of this shit, lonely feeling.
My exam results btw:
Fine Art: B
English Lang/Lit Combined: E
General Studies: D
So all in all, great. It sucks about my English, so I’m taking a resit in January sometime. My predicted results for this year (Wow, I’m in my last year of college now. Fuck. University next year!) are an A in Fine Art, C in English [depending on the resit] and an A* in Photography.
I’m so sorry for not being more communicative. I just didn’t want to open the place with a shitty layout, with shitty blogs with me moaning about how miserable I am (although I will try to avoid blogging during these moods, I can’t make any promises.) and how it sucks to be alive, etc. My next blog will be more picture-full, I’ve brought a shit load of things lately (including a sexy new lace dress and a polaroid camera!) out of impulse, I mean come on, in a situation like this it’s perfectly acceptable to be selfish.
I hope people haven’t forgotten about me. Just the idea that you’ve read this wall-of-text blog means the world to me, it helps a lot. I love you guys.
i held you close ’til i could barely breathe
June 5, 2011
Mood: Energized, yet ill. I have the most contradicting moods!
Music: Stone Sour – Hesitate
I’m back and so is the site in all its former glory. *Hugs screen* I’ve uploaded all the pages, and I’ve got some things to do on the Content page, but apart from that everything is back up.
A few blogs ago I was asked about the pictures of my day I had – I used a Smena 8M film camera with 35mm film which had an ISO of 200. I hope that helps! I didn’t edit them on Photoshop or anything, and I got them developed at ASDA.
I stick my pictures up on my wall, like a massive strip of them. I don’t have any pictures of it at the moment (as I’m currently sorting out my room and the place is a tip haha) but I’ll upload some sooner or later.
In my last blog I also mentioned briefly about me losing (and finding!) my ‘free condom card’. Take Control is a free condoms scheme in the UK which provides teenagers a free card to get free condoms at youth centers and family planning clinics. It’s an effort to lower to rate of teenage pregnancies in the UK, as I think we’re the highest in Europe. 5 of my friends (same age as me roughly) are having/had babies within the past year, which is kind of shocking.
So anyway, I’ve got a pretty serious water infection at the moment, which has worsened today. Warning, if you are squeemish or don’t like reading anything about water infections, please skip this paragraph! I’ve had it since Wednesday, where it was just a slight soreness which I’d feel coming to the end of my pee – now when I went to the toilet this morning, it was unbearable, and there was also blood there too. I’ve been drinking loads of cranberry juice and water since Wednesday, so I don’t think that’s working. I peed on a strange stick with squares on which indicate what’s in your urine, and according to my dad (he’s a pediatrician – looks after children) there was trace ammounts of protein and white blood cells which could indicate my body is fighting an infection. I’ve just had a Cystitus sachet, which you mix in with water and drink, so I’ll see how that goes. I’m going to book an emergency appointment at the doctors tomorrow, emergency because of the pain being so bad. I’ll let you know how it goes. Feel free to read on if you’ve skipped the paragraph.
I go back to College tomorrow also, which weirdly enough, I’m quite excited for! Haha.
i want to bathe you in the light of day.
May 10, 2011
Music: Snow Patrol – Crack the Shutters
This is going to be a very mixed post, but it’s going to mostly highs rather than lows, but the low part is still a bit of a kick in the balls.
I finished all of my photography work this afternoon! So I’m pretty happy right now! It’s a load off my mind, and now I have more time to focus on my English revision for my exam on the 23rd May. I also have some more time to do my Art, which has been sorted out now, and I know exactly what I need to do to make my work better. It may not get me the A I was planning on, but it’ll make my work a solid/high B, which I can’t complain about.
Talking about Art, I’ve also applied to go on an Art Course to Italy in October 2011. Only 3 students per college get in the course, and only three of us applied haha. To get a place for definate you have to go through an interview and have a strong portfolio of work, both personal (drawings you do for leisure) and work based (college work). Apparantly you have to speak a little Italian to the interviewers too, so I’m stuck on that haha. If anyone knows any simple Italian sentences, it’d be a massive help.
Now for the low part: My boyfriend Ben is going away for a month on work experience from June 1st to June 30th – he’s in South Wales in the bottom of a valley too so there will probably be no phone signal either to talk to him (that’s if he’s got a phone by then, he lost his phone at a party a few days ago. ) It’ll be the first time he’s been away for this long, he’s been away for 2 weeks at a time, but that was a few months into our relationship and I don’t think we were as close as we are now. I was talking to him about it and he said it might do us both some good to have some time physically apart from each other, it might make us less dependent on each other.
And I’ve just realised we have 3 weeks left together until he goes away. And next week is our 1year and a half mark.
And I’ve lost my free condoms card. Wait, nevermind, I remembered I got a new one.
Thanks again for the comments! :3