* ! b a c k

as you are so beautiful

august 18, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Mood: So so so so happy! 🙂
Music: So Beautiful – Pete Murray

Two A*’s and a B.
two mother fucking a*’s.
These are my A-Level results, the result of two years of hard work, one of which including my depression.
I honestly couldn’t give a damn about failing General Studies (Universities don’t care about it anyway), I got A*’s in the subjects which are the most important to me. I’m so happy!!!! 😀 I got 100% in my Art coursework, the total marks being out of 200 (Image: to the right of Fine Art 3 and Fine Art 4are the scores for each module, 3 being the coursework and 4 being the exam. The same goes for Photography. The coursework is marked out of 120, the exam is marked out of 80.) and I got 196/200 overall! I’m so over the moon. When I opened them after ‘signing my life away’ [as you have to sign to receive them] I was so confused at the A*’s, I really wasn’t expecting them. I was in shock. So much shock I went to my friend Hannah and had to ask her to explain them to me!
After everything I’ve been through, all the effort and getting roughly 2 hours sleep a night has been so worth it.
I feel it’s a reward, such a massive achievement, man I feel like crying I’m so happy, mother fuckkkkkk ;__; It’s a huge slap in the face to everyone who told me or doubted that I wouldn’t get an A, that I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t just get an A, I went even further than that and got an A*. And I got two of them. This is such a huge achievement for me, I’m so proud of myself without sounding arrogant.
I’ve now finished college, and I can’t wait to start work on my foundation diploma in September.
In other news, I haven’t heard anything else from my evil ex, let’s hope it stays that way. Also, I haven’t been feeling too well recently. I’ve been occasionally losing my appetite, feeling nauseas, and having weird tummy aches. (and before anyone suggests the ‘p’ word I took two tests and they were both negative) I think if it lasts another week I’ll go to the doctors, it’s been really weird. Like something doesn’t feel right in my stomach. 🙁 I should hopefully have a new layout up soon too 🙂

everything that shines ain’t always gonna be gold

June 20, 2012 at 10:50 pm

MOOD: Sneezy (hayfeverfgdfk)
MUSIC: Pursuit of Happiness – Kid Cudi (Steve Aoki Remix)
so um, hey
OKAY IT’S BEEN AGES I KNOW, but to those who read my blogs towards the end of 2011, I really needed that break. I just needed to get away from everything that wasn’t a need, as the depression was my number one priority.
So basically, this is what has happened from about mid december up until now:
December: That guy I was on about getting into at a friends party? Yeah, I kissed him. And at a Xmas party, we well, kind of had a one night stand. It was awful, I was drunk and he was high, and I woke up the next morning feeling like shit and remembering how much I still had feelings for my ex (Ben.) Apart from that little fiasco, I had an okay December. I also started going to my CAMHs sessions – they were pretty intense, but they worked so well.
January: CAMHs sessions continued, got an A in my English Resit for my AS’s, bringing my overall AS grade up to a B. Despite the fact I was kicked out of lessons for 2 months, lol. Started seeing this guy Ash, and my CAMHs sessions stopped around the end of January. Still had feelings for Ben at this point however, but they were gradually going.
Febuary: Rushed into things with Ash, began a relationship with him and realised he was a needy fucker who lied, was a controlling bastard, and really made me feel like shit. Slept with him but I really wish I didn’t – I think part of me only jumped into things with him was to spite Ben, as bitchy as it seems. We broke up, he was creepy and practically begged friends for my number and things. Ugh. He’s stopped now, but it’s okay.
March: 18 finally had a really good birthday, it was amazing. Depression at this point was really starting to go away – I was taking much more control over my emotions. Me and Ben agreed to be friends – but this didn’t work when we bumped into each other at a party (away from our friendship group) and I said hi. As in, looked at me in the eyes and walked away. I decided it wasn’t worth the hassle.
April: Not much happened this month. Feelings for Ben had 99% gone, and so had my depression. I had both of my Photography & Art coursework exams at this point too, which could have gone better, but I’m taking an extra year of college after this as I didn’t get into uni which sucks. Met a new guy called Chris
May: Me and Chris get closer, as in super close. We start seeing each other. But this time, something feels good about this. At this point I’m completely ‘recovered’
June: Me and Chris got together, I finished sixth form. Woo So, that’s pretty much it.
I’m sorry for my long absence, just believe me when I said that I needed a break from all of this for a little bit, just so I could be able to get myself back on track and stuff. I love you guys dearly. About me and Chris – he makes me feel special, like, special special. Like the feeling I hadn’t felt in so long, It’s been ages since I’ve felt this way. I just hope it lasts.